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Mirror
Mar 28, 2006 13:19:11 GMT -5
Post by Sáille on Mar 28, 2006 13:19:11 GMT -5
After the group med of Sunday I felt so good. I was able to shut the emotions of other people out so that nothing affected me and I could move around freely. I didn't fall ill. I felt fine. I was so happy that I had found the button which I could press if things became too much. But I can't find this button anymore. My parents have been fighting in the past few minutes (or half an hour, not sure about the time) about trivial things which mean a lot to both of them. My father didn't understand my mother and he said several things to her -- he raised his voice and everything, just like I do when I'm enraged -- which weren't true and which hurt her. All of this negativity filled me up. I felt everything seeping into my chakra's and spreading through my body. It made me feel so ill. I started to scream at my father a moment after, desperate for it to stop... pleading with him silently to please understand my mother and cease the fight. But it just kept building up, and I exploded. I work like a mirror now. I reflect people's emotions, especially the negative ones, as a part of myself but yet as something which belongs to them. I'm feeling sick now. I'm crying. I don't know a way out of this unless it is another meditation... but I'm afraid that I won't find this inner rest now. I can't handle negativity because it is an alien thing to me. All rage and hatred I've ever felt was never truly mine. All negative thoughts and feelings came from others and not from me. This destroys my body. My soul is desperate for an escape. I cry my tears here alone, with the background noise of the argument still going on, and I hope someone is able to provide the help I so desperately need. Typing it is my way of getting it out... but this time, it only takes away some of the pain. Please guide me and include me in your prayers today. I hope we can work magic together and that I can feel your love flood through me and making me whole. I can't bear this burden of being a mirror on my own.
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Mirror
Mar 28, 2006 13:35:27 GMT -5
Post by pearldancer on Mar 28, 2006 13:35:27 GMT -5
Oh ALTH!!! You don't have to. We are here. *big bear hug*
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Mirror
Mar 28, 2006 13:37:35 GMT -5
Post by Sáille on Mar 28, 2006 13:37:35 GMT -5
Thank you. I'm already feeling a bit better... I think the "damage" will be felt for a couple of days after this, though, so I'm not really happy. The thing which brought me down most was that I lost the button. I needed that button... had been searching for it in these past few years... and now it's gone again although I'll do my best to reclaim it. *huggle* Thank you for your support and love.
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Mirror
Mar 28, 2006 13:40:26 GMT -5
Post by pearldancer on Mar 28, 2006 13:40:26 GMT -5
It's not lost Alth, this is just a way to help you know where it is even when you can't see it. When you come through this and find your way back to serenity you will see more clearly. The next time you won't flail in the storm. .. .you will close your eyes and feel that center of calm.
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Mirror
Mar 28, 2006 22:08:11 GMT -5
Post by thecrystalmaiden on Mar 28, 2006 22:08:11 GMT -5
To a certain extent, we all act like mirrors; we reflect the behavior around us and we try to deflect what is coming at us by projecting it ourselves. The energy that thrives in all of us is the same energy that connects us all together - take away our skin and bodies, and we are really all one huge strand of energy and consciousness inherently intertwined with everything in existence. This is why emotions always work in waves amongst people, and sometimes make us "fight fire with fire" as they say. Alth, it's completely normal and understandable that you feel so upset about your parents fighting, they're people you love and when they're hurting each other it's going to impact you in a huge way, especially because you are so attached to them. Just try to hold in mind that they really love each other and this is probably the thousandth fight they've had like this over the course of their relationship, and sooner or later, there will be a peace between them. Pray for them, pray for love and light and harmony to fill up your home. Then to vent do your art, put on some music so you can't hear them, do some art or any other outlet you have to try to let out the emotions. Then after things have calmed down, maybe try talking to them about how it makes you feel when you see them fighting. Even if it doesn't change things in the big picture, it's sure to make you feel better, and it'll let them know how much you care about them.
You're definitely in my prayers, sweety. I'm sorry you have to be going through a hard time right now. *hug*
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Mirror
Mar 28, 2006 22:12:08 GMT -5
Post by muirrin on Mar 28, 2006 22:12:08 GMT -5
I've already written a long spiel on the FMP forum, I don't think everyone here needs to read about my experience with it, but I will reproduce a little bit I wrote at the end. It's so easy for me to resent them when they're at war, but I know that I have to try to see things from their side. They loved each other as recently as 9 years ago, I know that, because that's when the twins were born (and we all know what happens before children are born )... but after they got married some traits were revealed that neither knew about before, and I think as time passed these little traits built a bigger and bigger rift between them until they realised just how different and unsuited they were to each other. But when you have children who you love and are close to, and believe that marriage is a sacred union that is breakable only in the gravest of circumstances, then there's not much choice... you just have to ride it out, as much as it hurts you. This hurt will obviously affect others (especially me and Nicola - my younger-younger sister - who are both slightly empathic) and everyone just has to be strong and try to address the situation as soon as possible; nip it in the bud, I guess.
In the heat of the moment, things are said. Words hurt; or more truthfully the emotions behind the words hurt. But afterwards, when we can think more clearly, it is the time to try to pick up the pieces and say, "Surely there is a better way to deal with this. We can't hurt each other again. Let's just calmly sit down and talk it over so that we can address the problem and solve it before anything worse happens." I really am feeling (for) you, hun. If you need to talk, or even just a *hug* and for me to be me to distract you a little, then you know that I'm here. edit: I don't think I made it very clear in my posts; I'm not sure how your parents' relationship stands, from the sounds of things it's better than mine... so they should be able to deal with it more easily because they have more than simply "the kid/s" in common.
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Mirror
Mar 29, 2006 1:06:46 GMT -5
Post by Shaelyn on Mar 29, 2006 1:06:46 GMT -5
~hugs~
I've had my own boughts of not feeling well lately, and I think it's all the negativity in my life. Mostly though I've just been feeling depressed...but so has those near me. No anger.
anyways...to an extent I know what you're going through, and beyond that extent I still understand what you're going through.
I send you love
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Mirror
Mar 29, 2006 3:35:16 GMT -5
Post by Sáille on Mar 29, 2006 3:35:16 GMT -5
Thank you all so much. *big hugs* It will probably take a while before I can find the button again (hopefully this weekend, during the med!) but I have good faith that it'll work this time. I have calmed down, and so have the other members of my family. I already talked with my mother last night about the effect it had on me and I think she talked with my father about it too. They're very supportive of me and I think we can manage to work something out. Right now I'm still not feeling overly well but I'm doing much better than last night. The fights here are never really big or important. Still a lot of emotion comes with them and I am not always able to deal with that. Thankfully things like this occur rarely in our home (we're good talkers when it comes to this) so I think it'll take a while before we fight over something again. ;D Thank you all so much for your support. It means a lot to me. *huggle*
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Mirror
Mar 29, 2006 8:25:16 GMT -5
Post by muirrin on Mar 29, 2006 8:25:16 GMT -5
So glad your family can deal with stuff so well *huggles back* Did you feel me trying to send good vibes today? (again, I don't think they worked *blushes*)
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