Post by purifypurity on Jun 15, 2006 6:01:52 GMT -5
Okay, since this feels SO much better than locking all of this in my little bottle and this is a generally calm, nurturing, serene place, You get to hear me rant! Yeay! Go you.
Forgive me if this doesn't make sense; I'm leaving out a lot of the past story due to the fact that I've told it so many times it has become annoying.
;D
---
Welp, now Dad's gone. Sorry, my Schperm Donor is gone. I forgot that I'm now supposed to call him SD. At least It'll confuse the heck out of him if I ever speak to him again. *crosses fingers* I hope not.
Guess what? I called him yesterday, amongst all of this crap he's started with Steven, Mom and the check, and he said- well, here's the transcript;
Him: Hello?
Me: Hey, asshole.
Him: *short pause* Who is this?
Me: It's your f*cking daughter.
Him: Goodbye.
...I've had enough of him. I had enough of him when I was eight years old and had to live with him for a month. In that short period of time, I grew to hate the butt smear even more. I call everybody butt smear, I don't know why...
So, until six months ago, he didn't do anything for Me. No child support, no friendly visits, no calls just because, no taking me to soccer practice, no coaching my team, nothing. And why?; Because he wanted us to beg him for anything and everything; Money, visits, emotional support... I've never been daddy's little girl. It's not that I'm jealous or mad about it, it just would have been nice for me to get to spend some time with him before he decided to turn into Satan's minion. Before he decided to make everyone around him miserable, hurting his own flesh and blood, hurting his creators, hurting his siblings to the point that one of my aunts, Renee, at one point, got a restraining order forbiding him to come within 100 feet of her, her husband and their daughter. Lucky her. But, I don't need one; he's never around. For now, until Mom pisses him off to the point of him deciding to finally learn. But, that most likely won't happen.
That hasn't happened to him. Ever. Not in my life. Not in my brothers life. Not in my Mom's time with him. Not since he disgraced this earth with his harlequin fetus.
I used to be angry with him. I used to break something or hurt someone any time he crossed my mind. Now, I really just don't give a damn. It's wierd. Nick (my brother) completely pities him. I don't; he isn't worth pity. He isn't worth thinking about. And, yet, he is thought about at least thirty seconds of every day in my mind. Grr...
Since the shit hit the fan, I haven't really been doing anything. I've just been walking, sitting, laying, sleeping, standing, living without me. I don't feel like I've been here, just watching my body go through the motions. In the moments I've somewhat felt I'm in my body, I've been in a rather infantile state; Clutching my teddy bear for dear life and looking through the eyes and feeling through the heart of a child; not who I'm used to being. Not the cruel, sarcastic, somber, cynical person I've been for the past three years. It's as if I've been violently torn from my current mind chamber and thrown into my five year old chamber.
In the back of my mind, I see myself in what I consider the most child like manner possible; Hair down, in a white droopy dress, bow in hair, just walking around and watching life slowly pass me.
After he hung up on me, I threw the phone, threw a few curses at him, grabbed my beloved teddy bear (Rai) and curled up into a ball; sobbing. Mom, of course, called Dad back and sterted yelling at him. I felt like the kid who watched her parents fight, heard them fight, felt them fight, but couldn't do anything about it while feeling useless and terrified. 'What if they start yelling at me?' 'What if I cause them to bicker?' 'What if I am the reason why Mommy and Daddy aren't together?' 'Why am I here?' 'Why can't I run away?' 'I want to run away!' 'I don't like this!' 'Mommy, please stop yelling!' 'Daddy, please stop throwing things' 'Stop hurting her!' 'Stop hurting him!' 'Stop hurting me!' 'Leave me alone!' 'Help me!'
...It's confusing. It's like the reverse of the song 'Field Of Innocence'; I am the young adult in the child mind, not the child in the young adult mind.
Right now, I'm reaching out for comfort. Like, when you're a child and want only one toy, simple because you like it more and it makes you feel better. I want my Rai-bear; she makes it better. I can hold her closer than Mommy or Daddy ever get.
The day the Dad thing happened, I went down to Nana and Papa's house to help with Aiden. All I wanted to do was pass every house, every apartment, every person, every car, everything and run away. Run somewhere safe and where I would be alone. I didn't, of course. I had told Nana that I would care for the baby while she went to the dentists; she depended on me. The child in me wanted to run as far away as I could run, like I used to, but the adult made me stay. It's caused me to be in a conflict with myself. I don't like her because she made me stay, but she is being infantile and running away solves nothing.
I sound insane.
Oh well; Insanity is more fun than sanity. Sanity bites. Insanity is soct, pink and fluffy. Like a kitten!
Forgive me if this doesn't make sense; I'm leaving out a lot of the past story due to the fact that I've told it so many times it has become annoying.
;D
---
Welp, now Dad's gone. Sorry, my Schperm Donor is gone. I forgot that I'm now supposed to call him SD. At least It'll confuse the heck out of him if I ever speak to him again. *crosses fingers* I hope not.
Guess what? I called him yesterday, amongst all of this crap he's started with Steven, Mom and the check, and he said- well, here's the transcript;
Him: Hello?
Me: Hey, asshole.
Him: *short pause* Who is this?
Me: It's your f*cking daughter.
Him: Goodbye.
...I've had enough of him. I had enough of him when I was eight years old and had to live with him for a month. In that short period of time, I grew to hate the butt smear even more. I call everybody butt smear, I don't know why...
So, until six months ago, he didn't do anything for Me. No child support, no friendly visits, no calls just because, no taking me to soccer practice, no coaching my team, nothing. And why?; Because he wanted us to beg him for anything and everything; Money, visits, emotional support... I've never been daddy's little girl. It's not that I'm jealous or mad about it, it just would have been nice for me to get to spend some time with him before he decided to turn into Satan's minion. Before he decided to make everyone around him miserable, hurting his own flesh and blood, hurting his creators, hurting his siblings to the point that one of my aunts, Renee, at one point, got a restraining order forbiding him to come within 100 feet of her, her husband and their daughter. Lucky her. But, I don't need one; he's never around. For now, until Mom pisses him off to the point of him deciding to finally learn. But, that most likely won't happen.
That hasn't happened to him. Ever. Not in my life. Not in my brothers life. Not in my Mom's time with him. Not since he disgraced this earth with his harlequin fetus.
I used to be angry with him. I used to break something or hurt someone any time he crossed my mind. Now, I really just don't give a damn. It's wierd. Nick (my brother) completely pities him. I don't; he isn't worth pity. He isn't worth thinking about. And, yet, he is thought about at least thirty seconds of every day in my mind. Grr...
Since the shit hit the fan, I haven't really been doing anything. I've just been walking, sitting, laying, sleeping, standing, living without me. I don't feel like I've been here, just watching my body go through the motions. In the moments I've somewhat felt I'm in my body, I've been in a rather infantile state; Clutching my teddy bear for dear life and looking through the eyes and feeling through the heart of a child; not who I'm used to being. Not the cruel, sarcastic, somber, cynical person I've been for the past three years. It's as if I've been violently torn from my current mind chamber and thrown into my five year old chamber.
In the back of my mind, I see myself in what I consider the most child like manner possible; Hair down, in a white droopy dress, bow in hair, just walking around and watching life slowly pass me.
After he hung up on me, I threw the phone, threw a few curses at him, grabbed my beloved teddy bear (Rai) and curled up into a ball; sobbing. Mom, of course, called Dad back and sterted yelling at him. I felt like the kid who watched her parents fight, heard them fight, felt them fight, but couldn't do anything about it while feeling useless and terrified. 'What if they start yelling at me?' 'What if I cause them to bicker?' 'What if I am the reason why Mommy and Daddy aren't together?' 'Why am I here?' 'Why can't I run away?' 'I want to run away!' 'I don't like this!' 'Mommy, please stop yelling!' 'Daddy, please stop throwing things' 'Stop hurting her!' 'Stop hurting him!' 'Stop hurting me!' 'Leave me alone!' 'Help me!'
...It's confusing. It's like the reverse of the song 'Field Of Innocence'; I am the young adult in the child mind, not the child in the young adult mind.
Right now, I'm reaching out for comfort. Like, when you're a child and want only one toy, simple because you like it more and it makes you feel better. I want my Rai-bear; she makes it better. I can hold her closer than Mommy or Daddy ever get.
The day the Dad thing happened, I went down to Nana and Papa's house to help with Aiden. All I wanted to do was pass every house, every apartment, every person, every car, everything and run away. Run somewhere safe and where I would be alone. I didn't, of course. I had told Nana that I would care for the baby while she went to the dentists; she depended on me. The child in me wanted to run as far away as I could run, like I used to, but the adult made me stay. It's caused me to be in a conflict with myself. I don't like her because she made me stay, but she is being infantile and running away solves nothing.
I sound insane.
Oh well; Insanity is more fun than sanity. Sanity bites. Insanity is soct, pink and fluffy. Like a kitten!