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Post by Shaelyn on Oct 9, 2006 0:42:02 GMT -5
I don't know why I'm posting this here...I suppose b/c I don't know where else to post it, where else to turn.
I...hmm...I don't know where to begin, really.
but I'm starting to get desperate. desperation is a dangerous thing.
...I struggled in school...struggled against school. fought it all through college. I had an idealistic view of what school should be, and what it should do for me. >< mistake... as I kept fighting school, school kept fighting back...and I kept failing. I've tried lots of different options, gone through various ideas for majors...nah, I just failed. I didn't take it seriously... ~sigh~ my health insurance as a full-time student runs out on my birthday next year. april. ...so...my funds have been cut from school. at first...this was actually what I wanted. but now...
I can't find full-time work...partly because I haven't really been hunting like I should...I guess the main reason being...the type of work I'd be best at, is the very thing I've been struggling against. The Drone. ...now I'm staring down my nemesis in the face...I feel as though I don't have any other choice. ...and I'm asking myself over and over, why didn't I just do the schoolwork? at least then I'd have the opportunity to be a somewhat creative drone.
in some ways...I feel as though I've been cursed. I wish I had come to this realization before my deadline...now I can't go back to school. but without the deadline, I would've never made the realization. it's a loop, I'm stuck...I feel like I can't do anything about it. I've passed up the time for school with my idealistic views...but I want to go back, I don't want the future I'm looking at for myself.
it's ironic...and I feel like I'd be laughing right now, if I weren't in this position.
guys, I need help. and as said...I'm getting desperate.
whatever you can give me. prayers, thoughts, positive energy, meditations, insight, readings. I need...something...right now...and I don't know what.
sorry to bring such a pained post on this board...I don't want my negativity to bring you guys down! but...I need help...
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Post by pearldancer on Oct 9, 2006 2:44:22 GMT -5
Shaelyn, You posted here because that's why we're here! I know this is going to sound just EXTREMELY helpful. . .but BREATHE. Ok, this experience is a good one Shae, it's what was meant. It has given you a clear understanding of what you want and don't want. I know it doesn't seem like you can see a solution right now but if you can try to keep from panicking one will arrive. Focus your intention and your energy as positively as possible. Write down what it is you want and don't want. "DREAM" It's not a waste of time it is a vehicle to manifestation. Try to relax about the day to day. It sounds really lame to say and if you are in panick mode you may feel like screaming at me right now! I promise you though, what you are experiencing right now means you are on the right path. You are finding ways from a higher level to orchestrate the changes you need in order to pare your life down to the essentials that truly matter to you ..... and that will drive you towards your life purpose. Try to release what others may think of you. Focus only on what you want and need. ... and see if you can let go of thinking from the typical "modern mind set." We are all very indoctrinated by it and it can be difficult to let go, particularly if your parents or other people in your life are very attached to it and enjoying bringing it up frequently. If you can relax into this though Shaelyn, the things you need will begin to apear in strange and unexpexted ways. Send me a PM if you want and I will give you my email adress or msn info. I'd be more than happy to share with you about how this has been happening for me. I know it can feel really freaky at first. I will send you all the calm I can. My best advice, BREATHE. It will help you connect your mind, heart and spirit and this will help to quiet the mind a bit. A favorite quote of mine from an unknown source: "The mind is a fearful child, the heart a wise and loving elder." Try to follow your heart Shae. . . it knows where you need to go and how to get you there. Trust it. All the Zen I can send your way! -Pearldancer
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Post by waterjag on Oct 9, 2006 17:51:20 GMT -5
Try to stay focused in the midst of pressure, even stress. The best way to remove obstacles is to identify an obstacle for what it is, an obstacle. THen and only then can we write down, or take action our plan for what to do.
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Post by Uriah on Oct 9, 2006 23:40:03 GMT -5
Shaelyn,
This seems too weird to say but basically the same thing happened to me. I let school slip because I am very idealistic and knew it wasn't what it should be, atleast for me and you. I struggled for awhile not knowing what to do. I didn't want to "buckle down", get 9 to 5, and get stuck in the rat race. I didn't believe I had a support system so I kept it all to myself which made it worse. I was torn inside... craving that comfort and security a solid job would give but which would leave me dead inside and a blind eye to my higher purpose and love.
I wanted to grab hold of the first thing that came my way but I resisted... I didn't want to get stuck. It was a rough spring and summer last year. I kept lying to my family telling them I was fine and fed them bs plans for the future. I was so lost I didn't feel like I had much of a future. Everything seemed to fall apart all at once and I became filled with thoughts of despair and failure. I had to let go of it all... everything. I basically said f*** it all.
I went back to my childhood and thought about what was important to me then. I realised everyting I believed in 10... 15 years ago was still the same. I just diluted myself and cluttered my mind. I was disillusioned. I knew I was very idealistic for a reason and that all this "failure" and disappointment came into my life because I was diverting from my purpose. I learned what I didn't want and what I truly wanted.
This took some time. I suppose I had to completely let go of all these old ways of thinking and modalities before I could move on. I must say I have ended up on a much better path than I was headed. Things aren't perfect but if they were then that would make me fully evolved which I am not. So, i know I am still growing, learning, and trying to remember to let go and breathe. Things may not seem fine but let me tell you... you are on a path, a path that will lead to wonders if you stick to it. Silence your mind and reclaim the memory of why you are here. Feel it. It's growing in me daily. I hope you can feel it. I send you the best.
All my love.
Uriah
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Post by Shaelyn on Oct 10, 2006 12:34:20 GMT -5
...how can I follow my heart when it keeps changing? or maybe it's my mind that keeps changing...I dunno.
when I was younger...my childhood all throughout highschool and into the first semester of college, I wanted to work with dolphins. now, singing is a much greater passion - I'm barely interested in dolphins...but even with that, something keeps telling me "graphics designer" ...but that would require four years of school that I don't have the luxury to do. I still enjoy singing just like I used to, but I don't necessarily want to make a career out of it anymore.
well, since I can't make up my mind, should I just pursue the mindless data entry drone job? every time I try, I haven't been very serious about the jobhunt...since it's not what I want to do.
my parents will start charging me rent soon if I don't find something and move out of their house.
I feel...wishy-washy...and I think that's being torn between what my parents want for me, and what I want for me...but, even with what I want for me, I've been wishy-washy in the past. This last thought to be a graphics designer...honestly kinda came out of the blue for me... it's kinda like something else is pushing me towards that, not necessarily me. ...I'm not even sure it's what I want. but if it's not what I want, and it's not what I should do, why am I being pushed towards it? and why do I feel so crappy for not pursuing it sooner?
...see...I'm confused. ><
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prUuf
Remembering
Posts: 229
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Post by prUuf on Oct 10, 2006 13:17:02 GMT -5
I'm confused too ^^ maybe non of this is for you. probably get a good little job. then focus on evolving rapidly. vibrating higher. In this years and those to come it's best to live on the edge because everything else is falling away. as well as past interests. you're not the only one, i think most here are confused at least sometimes. we're one. www.probablefuture.com/The%20One_and_Only_Solution_PartII.htm
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Post by Sáille on Oct 10, 2006 13:29:48 GMT -5
Everyone's confused! Let's all be confused together!
I recognise quite a lot out of your stories, Shae and Uriah. I also struggle a lot with school and can't really find something which works perfectly for me. I try to follow what my heart tells me to be, but it's a slow and painful process.
I just want to let you know you're not on your own with this. I hope and pray for a solution to your situation. *HUG*
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Post by radaeron on Oct 10, 2006 17:02:14 GMT -5
(Beware, long reply, cautionary statement of sharing prior experience. Prepare to experience "grandpa" like stories ) Well, my first thought is on the work thing.. What's wrong with drone work? I'm pretty certain my work is drone work.. as is a lot of the work my friends do, "shelf stackers" and the like. But the important thing is just that the work doesn't define you. So what does it matter what jobs you do while you're trying to find your dreamjob? I'm not going to be washing dishes forever, I know that much. But even though I know where I want my next step of work to lead, it will take a while to get there. So there is nothing wrong with dish washing for another 6 months or so. You know? "...and I'm asking myself over and over, why didn't I just do the schoolwork? at least then I'd have the opportunity to be a somewhat creative drone." This caught my eye.. Just wondering why you need to be creative when working? Just a natural thing or...? I'm just thinking.. because you can still do "drone" work and be creative outside of that. The only other thing I can think to say is.. if you think you'd be interested in graphic design, start reading up, doing a bit of personal research or something, you know? Maybe practice some drawings.. Hell, I don't think I know more than a dozen people (considering we all know hundreds if not thousands of people each) who KNEW absolutely what they want to do with their life. I don't know to be honest. Somehow, I came up with "bartender" out of the blue a few weeks ago... but I won't do that all my life.. it'll just be something to try, you know? Ok so maybe my post is more just a general ramble.. I think I had a point somewhere... *confused* lol..
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Post by Shaelyn on Oct 10, 2006 18:29:31 GMT -5
"...and I'm asking myself over and over, why didn't I just do the schoolwork? at least then I'd have the opportunity to be a somewhat creative drone." This caught my eye.. Just wondering why you need to be creative when working? Just a natural thing or...? I'm just thinking.. because you can still do "drone" work and be creative outside of that. b/c without the creativity/enjoyment, I tend to lose my motivation, and get burned out real fast...which, really, was why I didn't do the schoolwork. I wasn't motivated to push through it...I got really irritable and bitchy too >< personal thing I guess...it honestly kinda bugs me that I can't pull through mundane work...kinda? no, it really bothers me. but it bothers me to do it so much as well...so, I dunno. btw, it doesn't have to be a creative thing, I could do something customer service, as long as the customers/employees don't expect me to be a drone. if I can talk to the people while I'm working, I'm happy doing that too.
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Post by jonnathetiger on Oct 11, 2006 15:54:57 GMT -5
Shae,
You will find your way. I see much of this in my eldest son. He does not like school--I loved it. It was always such a passion for me; however, I also know how you feel at this point. Matter of fact, I started out in elementary education & hated it. You just have not found your niche yet. It will come to you.
Ironic, I just returned from my 20 year reunion from a college I attended. I received an AAS in Police Science & then earned a Bachelor of Criminal Justice. I loved it. Guess what? Never used that degree except for having a degree due to a visual impairment--I could pass my firearms certification. I used the Human Services degree to go into counseling...then into fitness..then into sales..then into management..then into teaching...& now I am i accounting. I just earned my MBA 2 years ago & I do not even like accounting, but that is the only way my company would pay for it.
So, I, too, understand your frustration to a degree. I keep trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I just got accepted as an instructor for an on-line university....so another chapter begins. I get bored so easily that I have 3 part time jobs...you can make it happen.
Just focus on your heart as Pearl says....it will find you...
Love & light!
Jonna
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Post by Kivawolfspeaker on Oct 11, 2006 19:53:10 GMT -5
Shae,
You are definetly not the only one going through this. I graduate in December with BA and am not sure where to turn. I'm kinda scared. I have more to say but will post it later.
Jen
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Post by geospirit on Oct 11, 2006 20:59:51 GMT -5
I think we need to find the joy within and stop thinking that it has to come from outside of us. Instead of thinking where am I going to get it, find it, try thinking about what you have inside of you and where you would like to be instead. Instead of fighting things, just let it all go, be conscious of where you are harbouring energy in your body, breathe in deep to it and will it out of your body if you have to, allow your body to feel everything without attachment, we are all doing major amounts of clearing right now, the trick is not to hang on to it. And definitely breathe as Shaelyn says, deep into your belly and in and out of the top of your head, it may stir things up but better to let them out of you than hang on to them because we are all clearing up these things, together. The more we can be in the light it allows the world around us to remember their light and this is one of the ways we can help to awaken others around us. Maybe you were never meant to go to college, maybe you are meant for something different, take this time to find out who you are and to remember why you are here! The information is out there today like never before... it may not have all the answers but if you are open you will hear divinely inspired messages in other people's conversations, or passages in a book, or through many other ways but... the best one to rely on is yourself, so you will have to go inwards, give yourself time, somethings need to come up and out before another one can let go. What do you love, what are you passionate about, what's important to you, why are you here? And job schmob, forget that momentarily... What makes you happy? The other part is that we need to move on from our mistakes and understand it's all in the living and learning and hopefully we figure it out this time so we don't have to repeat it again... This is just my opinion from my personal experience, take what you like and leave the rest.
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Post by Kivawolfspeaker on Oct 12, 2006 11:08:31 GMT -5
Pearl,
"Focus only on what you want and need. ... and see if you can let go of thinking from the typical "modern mind set." We are all very indoctrinated by it and it can be difficult to let go, particularly if your parents or other people in your life are very attached to it and enjoying bringing it up frequently."
Yes, this is what my aunt does very frequently and it frustrates the crap out of me. Every time we talk she brings it up. You have to get a job for after graduation and you can't come here after you graduate, no ones gets their perfect job at first blah, blah, blah. I know I don't want to become part of the "Rat race" as Uriah put it, but my aunt insists that it's the only way.
Thanks to all for bringing this up. Love, Jen
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Post by radaeron on Oct 12, 2006 13:11:18 GMT -5
Your auntie is silly ^__^ I am not part of the rat race.. At least I like to think that
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Post by Shaelyn on Oct 21, 2006 23:28:54 GMT -5
guys, I don't know what you/we did, but something happened...and it got a ball rolling.
I finally got hired doing data entry work. I hadn't gotten started yet...but...y'know, it's something.
I'm not sure if this will be right for me, even still. but the important thing here - it's a start, and I will find out...and then do everything necessary in due time to continue on my life path. For now though, I can build up enough funds to get a newer vehicle - one that has a speedometer that actually WORKS - and move out of my parents house - which will make me VERY happy now matter what way you look at it.
I know this has to be a step in a good direction - things don't fall into place as easily as this suddenly did, unless it's something I'm supposed to do. And even if I find out it's not right for me...well, I can get some experience in the "real world" under my belt, and move on.
Thank you guys for everything!
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Post by muirrin on Oct 23, 2006 1:26:13 GMT -5
Glad things are getting better, then. Like you said, even if it isn't right for you, you still have some experience in the workforce that might lead to something better... so it's a win-win situation!
Hope the ball keeps rolling this smoothly for you. ^^
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Post by jonnathetiger on Oct 23, 2006 10:38:58 GMT -5
I know this has to be a step in a good direction - ! A step is a step....keep going, you'll be where you want to be before you know it! Hang inthere!
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prUuf
Remembering
Posts: 229
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Post by prUuf on Oct 24, 2006 6:25:22 GMT -5
please write me your email and I send you (who desires) the book 'a happy pocket full of money'. it will help you learn to create and manifest. remember, wealth is a state of mind. you can choose it anytime! it is a choice. you just have to believe that you will receive it. and dont limit yourself with 'how you will receive'.
Native American Prayer:
We ask for strength and you give us difficulties which make us strong.
We ask for wisdom and you send us problems and the solutions develop wisdom.
We plead for prosperity and you give us brain and brawn with which to work.
We plead for courage and you give us dangers and obstacles to overcome.
We ask for favors and you give us the space to develope opportunities.
Therefore Great Spirit God
We ask you to bless and assist us according to your desire and will.
<3 Matthias
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