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Venting
Oct 26, 2005 3:43:30 GMT -5
Post by indigirl on Oct 26, 2005 3:43:30 GMT -5
Hey guys, I want to apologize for this post ahead of time, because it's going to be very long-winded. I want to thank any who reads to the end right away, I just really need to vent right now and I don't know where else to do it.
So for the past month my emotional health has pretty much plummeted to the very depths for a few different reasons. I've been living in Los Angeles with my two roomates and best friends in the entire world for 6 months now, and I'm starting to crumble under the pressure to live like a functional adult. It's not that I don't want to, I'm just not *good* at it yet, at things like balancing checkbooks, and paying bills ontime, and figuring out how much of my checks will be taken out for taxes. So I've been struggling from job to job, trying to find one that will sustain me, and I am consistenly failing. It's gotten to the point where I just break down and cry every day. I feel as though my roomates cannot trust me anymore, and they have good reason not to, seeing as I paid last month's rent late and have still not given the late fee. I can't borrow any more money from my parents simply because we are not a rich family like some of my friend out here come from, and they give what they can. I have an aunt who lends me money when I need it, but I feel as though I have run that well dry, and that even if she wanted to help me now I wouldn't have the courage to ask her. I'm really talking in circles here, but when it comes down to it I am just absolutely petrified that I'm going to have to just give up and move back to NH until I can learn how to handle myself, if that ever happens. And this thought to me is complete, and utter failure. Not only because I feel like home is nothing but a trap of bad memories that I will fall into and never escape, but because NH is like a breeding ground for people who give up their dreams to settle for something less. And it's not even because there aren't as many acting (my chosen profession) oppurtunities out there, (because I honestly haven't taken any of the ones out here due to stress and poor time management), but because I was beginning to feel as though I was leading an indepent life that was truly mine, something I had created. But now I am feeling so conflicted, because the thought of leaving the life I've created here honestly feels as though my heart is being torn out, but on the other hand, what if I can't pull together? If I love my roomates so much it's not fair to make them worry about whether the rent will be paid on time every month. And I DO NOT want people around me to think that I just flit about day-to-day wasting money and then expecting family to just step in and pay the important stuff for me before I get in big trouble, because it's not that at all. I just don't know where else to turn. And on top of this I keep having problems with my student loans, and my school messed up some of them and made it look like the payments were late, so now these blemishes are giving my father bad credit, and all he does is call from the east coast to berate me about how it's my fault and he doesn't need to deal with my b.s. I just can't take it anymore. All I want to do is hide in my house and wait for everything to get better because I have no idea where to begin. And it's not as though I think I'm the most unfortunate soul in the world, because I'm well aware that I am very lucky to have had what I've had so far. I just feel as though I have just effed up a good thing so badly that it can't be fixed. I'm thinking of taking out one of those online loans, my only reservation is that it'll put me even deeper in the hole. All this has had an INCREDIBLY negative impact on my spirituality. In the past few weeks I have felt myself close off, and I have shut myself off to all of my abilities and not experienced anything lately, which scares me. And all my dreams have involved me getting hurt in some very violent way, and it really scares. I feel I'm not even able to judge what I can do on a daily basis anymore, let alone any dreams or aspirations I've had. I feel that they have flown out the window. I don't even care about dissappointed other people anymore, because I'm always, always dissappointed in myself.
I'm so sorry, I think what I basically need is any techniques anyone may have on achieving emotional stability during trying times. That would be most helpful.
Thank you so much, Kelly
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Venting
Oct 27, 2005 22:21:27 GMT -5
Post by cherise on Oct 27, 2005 22:21:27 GMT -5
Hey Indigirl,
Wow. Thanks for the great post. Way to keep it real!!!
Seriously girlfriend, not to shoot the messenger or anything, but this board seems to dry up like the push and pull of the water. It's constantly shifting from still waters, to sheetstorms. I prefer the sheet tstorms because it's the best time to experience the power of WILL.
Student Loans: Welcome to the world of education in North America. The student loan debt in Canada is phucken massive. First, you are not alone!!! There are thousands of students who are ripped off year after year after year. It's a real kick in the bra knowing hospitals are closing, teachers are striking, people are suffering. The solution to this problem is to face it.
Your WILL demands that you educate yourself and start the protest. People sit around and talk about the problems every single boring day. It's time for you to GO in the colour of INDIGO. I'm thinking consciously that I don't want to sound preachy, but in the air of Scorpio is the truth is told. It's a violent time, and I don't mean just physically. The truth is painful for a lot of people. I find it refreshing.
You have your computer, you have your brain. Start looking up a few statistics on student loan debt. Find a financial counselor, who will definitely tell you that you're one among thousands, even they make money off of you and your debt, and conveniently they are professionally trained to tell what you can do.
The resources for your mind are there. Now, you must align yourself with the knowledge.
Schools will always exist, but this time in your life is just part of the bigger test. Your empathic energy is drained, I know. The only thing to re-stimulate you is self-education and sleep. Your dignity depends on it.
So, you wanna stay in? Then call it in, baby. Welcome to the technological age. With a phone and a computer, you could run the world from your house. That world, of course, being yours.
And, the next time anyone calls you any negative name regarding your financial status, you can tell them you inherited the debt of your parents, and their parents. It was their generation that has lead us to today. And, that is the truth.
I don't judge you for being in debt. And, phuck anybody who does. There are very few places in this world that don't run from debt. Your weapon is your mind. Your armour is your soul. You are impenetrable. Nothing, and no-one will inspire you more than you! Not your Dad, your best friends, your room mates, and the people that will come in and out inconsequentially.
I dare you to go out into the hippest, most progressively liberal district in your city, and just people watch for awhile. Pick out a person that is approachable. Not if their working, maybe some chess players, or you could go into a park and talk to some moms.
Ask them about their lives. Feel the warmth of a potential mentor. Tell a stranger your problems. The universe will provide, you have to initiate the cleanse.
Take control of your mind, and throw caution to the wind. Experience the thrill of Now at whatever cost to relationships. The most important one is with yourself.
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Venting
Oct 27, 2005 23:45:48 GMT -5
Post by thecrystalmaiden on Oct 27, 2005 23:45:48 GMT -5
Oh sweety,
Flow. I know it doesn't mean a lot now and it doesn't help and it doesn't solve any of the problems, but you absolutely need to flow. Worrying solves nothing, nor does stressing out, and crying so much over this... just breaking down from all the pressure... I understand why you feel this way, and how important it is to let the emotions out, but maybe you should try letting go of your body a bit. It's like, you are so tied down right now by all these troubles and worries, let go a little. Keep faith. Whatever happens to you will happen, and this is a lesson to challenge your weaknesses so that your strengths can grow, you have to keep yourself seperate from your problems. Third person perspective - otherwise it becomes so much harder to think clearly and see the path ahead, no?
Take a time out and just go into the forest for a day, alone, sit down somewhere and just enjoy being outside. Go back to the roots and try to be simple, live one day in the moment and don't think about the future or the past or anything at all. Just be you. I think by the end of the day, some answers will be very clear to you as far as priorities go and what really is the best path to take. If you are forced to go back to your hometown in the future, prepare your heart and your soul for it, and prepare yourself for the fact that maybe this is where your road is supposed to take you, and a part of life is learning that you can't have what you want, no matter how badly it rips you apart on the inside. On the other hand, if your path is to stay here and struggle through, be prepared to make some sacrifices. Expect the worst, because that is what life is. Expect to have to give up your car if you have it, your roommates to find a cheaper place, your luxuries like the computer and TV and air conditioning, maybe school for a while. Maybe your aspirations in acting - it would be the hardest blow, but by what I've seen of life, you can expect nothing but the hardest.
If you ever need something, send me a note, let's hang out, maybe you just need to unload and spend some time with ppl outside of your normal life. And don't worry about what your friends or your family thinks of you, all that matters is that you KNOW your intentions are pure and even if they can't see it, it doesn't matter, because in the end all that matters are our intentions, not our success. If you are honest and truthful with your roommates about your financial difficulty, and if they really are as close to you as you say, then they will only see you for who you are and forgive you and understand. If they hassle you, then armor yourself - don't let them inside. You are too open right now.
Maybe you already know what you have to do and you are holding back because it is a hard path to take - just know that most of the time every path is a hard one, and most take you to where you want to go sooner or later, it is a matter of what you're ready to learn. =)
Much much love, and please smile for me today, listen to your favorite music as loud as possible, and remember that no matter what happens, it is what was going to happen. *giant giant hug*
-Theresa
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Venting
Oct 29, 2005 22:20:09 GMT -5
Post by indigirl on Oct 29, 2005 22:20:09 GMT -5
cherise and cm: Thank you so much for your considerate replies to my post! I've kind of been sensing animosity behind some of the posts here lately, which made me a little nervous to open up this much, but you guys made me feel so much better by even contemplating my problems, so thank you for that. I know that this time in my life is something that is supposed to be. I know I'm on the same path, it's just a little stormy and dark out right now, so that path is hard to see. I'm just going to keep going and hope that it'll be light out on the other side. And CM- I'm taking your advice tomorrow and heading out towards nature for a bit. My roomates aren't going to be home, and it feels like the perfect time to sit by myself and think. Also, I would love to hang out someday if we're ever free at the same time So again, thanks so much you guys for bring the open, welcoming feeling back to the board for me. Kelly
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Venting
Oct 29, 2005 22:59:59 GMT -5
Post by thecrystalmaiden on Oct 29, 2005 22:59:59 GMT -5
I know what you mean about the animosity, it's been causing me to spend less time here too. I'm glad I could help, and I'll send you a note sometime with my number in case you ever need it. =)
*hug*
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Venting
Oct 30, 2005 2:02:31 GMT -5
Post by djgirlcherise on Oct 30, 2005 2:02:31 GMT -5
The honesty from you two (2) is so crucial.
It's lovely, and I'm so happy you're expressing it.
CM it's nice to see you back. I wished you would come back, and I missed you.
At the core of what you're both saying, based on my interpretation, we ultimately share the same problems at different stages.
I've been through the school system for journalism studies. I moved pretty far away from all my relatives right after I graduated. You both are on the West Coast. There's so much available in terms of proactive living.
I think it's healthy to embrace the disappointment. But, that's all it is. It's just a fleeting moment. It's how you express this moment that you will want to control.
Kelly. I really, really want to push you in the direction of a cleanse. I don't mean that in context of a bodily herbal cleanse. (Although, that's an advanced option.) But, it's time to clean the proverbial and literal closet.
Start cleaning, re-arranging, and shifting the energy of your immediate circle. The woods will seem brighter and the animals louder if you are coming from a clean space of your own.
In the order of Feng Shui, place a mirror in your room, it doesn't matter what size, to the side of a window. Not directly facing the window, this cause chi (life-sun force) to bounce off the mirror and back outside. If you place a mirror to either side of a window, it will retain the chi and keep the positive life force of the sun in your room.
Go through all your papers, and narrow it down to the most important phone calls. And, then make them. It's a recipe you will learn over and over.
If you can't own the world and take it by storm the first time out, well - you don't give up.
The crucialness is your honesty about it. It's naive to think it will all be bliss and harmony. These are very meaningful words. Without the sheetstorms, how would you know what the meaning of those words really are.
So, take your feelings, even the most phucked up ones, and own them! Accept it. This is how I feel right now. Be angry if that's what you are. Be crass, be bold, be a byatch (which is a word I firmly use in sincerity, ) But, you have to express it. How is up to you, and the moments you will always remember.
I love you guys. I send this message with love.
P.S. ? u tink bout I avatar?
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Venting
Oct 30, 2005 10:45:49 GMT -5
Post by radaeron on Oct 30, 2005 10:45:49 GMT -5
Not quite sure about the animosity thing, but if I have presented some kind of aggressive appearance on anything I'm truly sorry. If I have please understand I don't intend to create that impression. And sorry that I wasn't able to reply to this earlier, I had thought about it but didn't really have anything helpful to offer. All I really can say is that I hope it goes well for you Kelly. Would be good to hear on progress
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Venting
Oct 30, 2005 18:11:32 GMT -5
Post by indigirl on Oct 30, 2005 18:11:32 GMT -5
rad, thank you for your concern, that's all I was really hoping for when I posted it, that people would sympathize. If it wasn't my post and I had read it I would have been like "I have NO idea what to say to that!!!" lol. (And never have I ever sensed any animosity from you, not at all, your posts are always sweet and helpful I don't want to point any fingers, and I still love this board, there were just a few threads recently that made me afraid to express my opinion for fear of it not being accepted. But everything's cool)
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Post by waterjag on Nov 5, 2005 7:36:46 GMT -5
I find that if one pauses and looks around, there is always something else to be found
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Venting
Nov 20, 2005 5:36:09 GMT -5
Post by cherise on Nov 20, 2005 5:36:09 GMT -5
Hi Everyone,
I have a vent, and I don't know whether you'll care or not. It doesn't matter. I just need to express and get it out. Sorry if it seems irellevant.
You know I work as a dj. Well, the truth is, I moved out when I was around 17. I've been working a long time. 16 years non-stop.
I am a passionate person. To know me, is to know this. I started djing when I was in high school, and I've never given up. I invested over a couple thousand dollars into gear last year. I've been very busy this year.
But, I am surrounded by mostly men and musicians who don't take me seriously. I have to be myself, which is friendly. But, tonight I got really taken to a limit I don't ever want to go to. Anger, frustration, and an overall pissed off feeling.
Now that I've written about it, I'm not so angry any more.
But, it does leave me wanting to ask a question.
What are expectations worth?
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Venting
Nov 20, 2005 5:51:30 GMT -5
Post by radaeron on Nov 20, 2005 5:51:30 GMT -5
Personally I try to stop myself from expecting too much. It's like thinking about one possibility happening after you do three more steps. When those three steps could really be anything to change it. ... well.. to put it better. Expectation is like, putting more faith/trust into the hopes you have, or dreams. Unless you.. Hmm. ... Well.. I don't know how to word it :/ If it helps though I know a couple of professional DJs I could put you in touch with? EDIT:: Ai ya, I just saw how that might've looked. When I said I know a couple of professional DJs I didn't mean to say you weren't I was jus sayin it cause they might be able to help you in some way or something..
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Venting
Feb 2, 2006 19:24:22 GMT -5
Post by pearldancer on Feb 2, 2006 19:24:22 GMT -5
indigirl
I know this is an old post but I've had lots of practice with trying times and I COMPLETELY understand how money trouble can intensify everything. If you ever need to comiserate feel free to PM me. I don't know how many answers I'll have but I do know I'll be able to relate.
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Venting
Feb 25, 2006 23:06:43 GMT -5
Post by indigirl on Feb 25, 2006 23:06:43 GMT -5
Thank you pearldancer! It's nice to find someone who can understand, I'll definetly pm you sometime!!
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phantomx
Awakened
In all my life, in all my fantasy books, I could never have imagined what I am today...
Posts: 58
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Venting
Mar 1, 2006 19:57:41 GMT -5
Post by phantomx on Mar 1, 2006 19:57:41 GMT -5
We need a venting board
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Post by muirrin on Mar 2, 2006 7:13:08 GMT -5
With a huge warning due to all the extreme emotions... but yeah, would be a good idea.
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Post by Shaelyn on Mar 3, 2006 1:54:01 GMT -5
guys...look in the Emotional Health board, there's a sub-board called "Wine and Cheese" ...it's there for any to whine or exclaim with glee. (ok that was cheesy.)
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