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my rant
May 21, 2006 12:37:05 GMT -5
Post by Shaelyn on May 21, 2006 12:37:05 GMT -5
between rad's rant about no one ranting, and the photo reading, I feel compelled to post...here's what's been going on as of late:
lesse... April 12 I had a recital to perform for, that I was stressing about, cuz I had to sing a song that I really didn't believe in the lyrics. UGH I didn't want to learn it. April 14 was my b-day, as you guys know. the following week, I had a choir trip to Nashville upon return, I discovered that my car got broken into. there wasn't anything to steal, they just busted out my window, looked through my stuff, and left... $200 for the replacement. then, the next week I had my local choir performances, and I was too busy worrying about the Nashville trip to remember to ask off work, so I was scheduled to work during BOTH performances. I had to pay people to get them to take my hours. the choir performance was ok. ...at this point, I had let nearly all my classes slip...it was too much stress, I was failing. I was also starting to debate ditching my boyfriend...but I didn't entirely know why. I wanted to talk to him about it, but... the next week was his finals week. instead of talking to him, I drove myself bat-shit, cuz I knew he was stressed enough with finals. then came my finals week. around this time, I started liking another guy, "a guy I can't date" so I broke up with my boyfriend - if I'm liking another guy, I'm not into the relationship enough to stay with him...among other reasons...there were a lot of reasons why I ditched him...but I still don't entirely feel like I did the right thing. I feel like he's my future, but at the same time, I don't entirely feel like he's good for me now. another reason being...I was starting to feel really low, about failing my classes...I didn't even want to bother to go to my finals...but he pushed me into it. going back to take the finals didn't do anything - it just made me realize how pitiful I was doing, I couldn't pass the finals. and I knew I would, yet he pushed me to do it anyway. grr. I didn't feel right about it...I try as much as possible to stay true to myself, it's something I struggle with...and I felt like, when he pushed me to do what he wanted for me, it wasn't me...and I was miserable for it. so, my boyfriend and I aren't together anymore. I took a little time to get over it...and then I wanted to talk to the guy I like...I know he likes me too...but I can't ever talk to him! he works til 5 everyday, and then he doesn't pick up his phone or he's busy or he's out or something. grrr. and now he just left on a cruise and when he gets back, I'm leaving for Cali for a wedding. I'm going to end up driving myself bat-shit until I return...and then I can see if he still feels anything for me. but grrr! cuz he smokes...I never wanted to date a smoker...I don't know what I'm going to do about it...I just know that, if we start dating, I need to find the balance of trying to get him to quit, without nagging him about it.
Alth, Gemma, since you have a little background info now, you guys have any idea what's all this about the mask I'm wearing?
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my rant
May 21, 2006 13:16:11 GMT -5
Post by Kivawolfspeaker on May 21, 2006 13:16:11 GMT -5
*Hugs Shae* That really does suck, but gald to see you are getting over your bf.
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my rant
May 21, 2006 13:55:09 GMT -5
Post by Sáille on May 21, 2006 13:55:09 GMT -5
*hugs* What I saw in you was that you were trying to "shield" your eyes a little. It's like you're working on yourself a lot now and therefore you've built up a little shield (a mask, if you will) to protect you from unwanted influences. (Oh, and about the not wanting to date a smoker... I've got the same problem on my hands now. ;D So you're not on your own.)
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my rant
May 21, 2006 15:43:08 GMT -5
Post by Shaelyn on May 21, 2006 15:43:08 GMT -5
Jen, I just hope it ends up ok. I feel like it may not.
Alth: so, it's a good thing then, or a bad thing?
you said I should drop it...
I'm confused!
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my rant
May 21, 2006 19:18:18 GMT -5
Post by liquidchild on May 21, 2006 19:18:18 GMT -5
jeezus, well as someone who is just starting to talk to one of his ex gfs again, it is really f**kING hard to keep myself from exploding. she will send me an email and my heart starts pounding like we are in love and breaking up again - BUT WERE NOT? I DONT EVEN CARE ABOUT HER! I havnt spoken to her in 2 years and dont have any intention even to be friends, I just want to organise a phone conversation to leave things on the right foot and go our ways. But still I have never crashed so hard (other than the outbursts which have been occuring due to earths vibrations changes as you guys already know) Thank god for pearldancer sending me that website planet earth alert. The crashes are still occuring! but atleast I know why. If you think you can keep him for the future, you may not be able to. As someone who is just trying to setup a phone conversation with his ex - atm it is really messy and I cant even keep her on my msn list its that bad (I have to block her for peace of mind). Its so trippy! My mind is usually clear when I communicate. If he catches you talking and thinking about other guys while your still comming down from him, it could go straight to his ego and heart, thats what I feel will happen.... maybe like rebound. (sort of if you talk about another girl when a guy is in bed with her, its just disrespectful and can really hurt) Im rambling and take any perspective I give, even if that is nothing. LOL P.S > damnit I have to call my ex tonight..... NOT looking forward to it.
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my rant
May 21, 2006 20:29:35 GMT -5
Post by muirrin on May 21, 2006 20:29:35 GMT -5
'Luck, Brendan. *huggles*
Shae, stop driving yourself bat-shit. It's hard, I know, cos I'm doing the same thing, but you're doing your best in this situation and I'm proud of you simply for not letting everything slide and just curling up in bed for a few months. The only thing you can do now is ride it out. You never know how things will turn out, so just try to remember that at the end, you're going to be stronger and maybe you won't need the mask as much any more.
There's always a great support network here, too. *hugs everyone*
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my rant
May 21, 2006 21:18:42 GMT -5
Post by liquidchild on May 21, 2006 21:18:42 GMT -5
this isnt the first time there has been a coincidence in all of us experiencing happenings.
keep talking to us shae!
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my rant
May 22, 2006 0:18:34 GMT -5
Post by Shaelyn on May 22, 2006 0:18:34 GMT -5
she will send me an email and my heart starts pounding like we are in love and breaking up again - BUT WERE NOT? I DONT EVEN CARE ABOUT HER! in all my past relationships, except my most recent one, I had that happen...but since this one wasn't a bad breakup...I talk to him one night on AIM, and I didn't really feel that way...it just felt like I was talking to a friend. he knows about the guy I like, he at least seems ok with it...and he says he still wants to be friends, and still wants to be updated with the things going on. this is him talking, not me...if it were me, I'd leave him in the dark...currently I'm leaving him in the dark anyway, until I have anything definate. good luck with your ex! thnx guys for all the support ~group hugs~ but I'm still driving myself bat-shit...lol. I can try not to...but it's hard when there's nothing better to do than think about it...and I don't think going to a wedding is going to help matters any ~sigh~ lol.
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my rant
May 22, 2006 2:25:30 GMT -5
Post by muirrin on May 22, 2006 2:25:30 GMT -5
You'll be all dressed up for that wedding, won't you? Just focus on how pretty you look ^-^
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my rant
May 22, 2006 4:14:23 GMT -5
Post by liquidchild on May 22, 2006 4:14:23 GMT -5
I dont think I'd be that okay with knowing you had another guy if you were my girlfriend *unless* I really wanted to end the relationship anyway. You would have to be careful if he is more interested than you, if he is less interested by far, then your in safe waters I think. Also, in the past I have told my girlfriend that I was okay to stay friends because I cared about her, but then she was off straight up with another guy and I really didnt know what I was getting myself into. That was the old me who didnt *fix* things before they exploded. Probably not your situation but some food for thought. It gets messy sometimes don't it I'm making a mud cake right now hehee, shes calling me back in about an hour or so.
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my rant
May 22, 2006 4:42:57 GMT -5
Post by muirrin on May 22, 2006 4:42:57 GMT -5
Mudcake is always wonderful medicine. Why not be a nice boy and send a piece or three to Shae!
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my rant
May 22, 2006 10:55:38 GMT -5
Post by jeremy on May 22, 2006 10:55:38 GMT -5
*thinks of mudcake and squirms* Shae: I can't say I've ever been interested in someone else so soon after a relationship as what you're describing, but I can imagine why it could be awkward. *sends you hugs*
Brendan: I think it's normal to go through a lot of intense something-or-other when talking to an ex who you no longer really care about. You have my sympathy.
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my rant
May 22, 2006 13:07:08 GMT -5
Post by Shaelyn on May 22, 2006 13:07:08 GMT -5
I dont think I'd be that okay with knowing you had another guy if you were my girlfriend *unless* I really wanted to end the relationship anyway. that's the wierd thing, I couldn't really tell if he wanted to or not. on the one hand, he seemed hurt...and he talks to his mom about everything, and by what his mom said, he didn't want it to end. but...our breakup was...wierd. ok...the day I talked to him about all my feelings, I didn't break up with him, it was just kinda letting him know that I didn't know where I stood. later that day, I got a voicemail from him, "hey hon, well, since you're thinking about all this, it might just be easier if we go ahead and trade our stuff back...so I've got my stuff for you, and I'd like my game and book back...and the promise ring and the receipt." ok...nothing says "I wanna break up with you" more than "I want the promise ring back when we're not even broken up yet." ...and he claims that he just thought it'd be easier, that he didn't want to break up, and I ask HOW?! that was a stupid move on his part. anyway...I don't know whether he wants me by his side or not...it doesn't really matter, I don't base my choices on what he wants, that just leads to pain. but yeah, I forgot to add in that lil tidbit of info.
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my rant
May 23, 2006 0:57:35 GMT -5
Post by Shaelyn on May 23, 2006 0:57:35 GMT -5
addition to the rant:
so my friend Will and I went out to a movie today...I thought he was just taking me out as a friend to get my mind off things...he *should* know I'm interested in someone else, if he'd read my fricken myspace blogs... oh no. nope. he hadn't seen them. ...and there was another motive behind the movie. yeah. he kissed me. argh. I have a lot to think about...as I see it so far though, it isn't going to happen between us, cuz my eyes are on Josh (the guy I said I couldn't date, but am going to try to anyway.) while I did want the kiss...I didn't want it from Will. I wanted it from Josh.
GRRRRRR.
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my rant
May 23, 2006 1:08:31 GMT -5
Post by muirrin on May 23, 2006 1:08:31 GMT -5
Ouch. *hugs to you* and hopefully he won't try to take things further.
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my rant
May 23, 2006 2:31:52 GMT -5
Post by liquidchild on May 23, 2006 2:31:52 GMT -5
sort your stuff out quick it gets worst every day, and dont be too critical when overreading messages, and tell him not too be over critical aswell! the mind doesnt know the different between male and female so he is feeling atleast similar to you. <--- mindless babble
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my rant
May 23, 2006 2:50:29 GMT -5
Post by Kivawolfspeaker on May 23, 2006 2:50:29 GMT -5
Shae,
I hope you get this sorted out soon. *hugs*
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my rant
May 24, 2006 13:13:10 GMT -5
Post by Kivawolfspeaker on May 24, 2006 13:13:10 GMT -5
Very well said Arya!
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my rant
Jun 2, 2006 22:20:53 GMT -5
Post by Shaelyn on Jun 2, 2006 22:20:53 GMT -5
thnx for the advice guys.
lil update, and an important one:
the guy I like was avoiding me because he's gotten involved with someone from his past. which is fine by me...I was attracted to him, sure, but definately not attached. it's no big deal...I just kinda wished he would face me about it, he should know me better than that. anyway...it solved a lot of my concerns. I wanted to date him, but I didn't want him to smoke? well, he's not even date-able now - problem solved!
so, I've been bored out of my mind. which has been healthy for me.
you guys were absolutely right about my mask.
with a lot of thinking about it, I finally realized that I didn't ditch my boyfriend because I was unhappy with him or us, I ditched him because I was uhappy with me.
with that in mind, I'm making some changes. after those changes are made, I may or may not go back to him...odds are I will, but I don't know. a lot of things can happen in that amount of time.
for starters, I'm gonna be looking for a full-time data entry job. I'm unhappy and embarrassed by my current job, I need one that can support me, and maybe I can move out of my parents' house. and if not, well, I'll be saving some massive money, and will actually be paying my full car payments. I'm not happy that my parents are supporting me as much as they are, I need to be independent. that is the first change. I don't know where I will go from there, but that's my start. I can see that opening a lot of doors for me.
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my rant
Jun 4, 2006 20:45:16 GMT -5
Post by muirrin on Jun 4, 2006 20:45:16 GMT -5
Good luck with all the searching, Shaelyn... between all the self-improvement and the job stuff you'll have no time to be bored any more!
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my rant
Jun 4, 2006 23:12:58 GMT -5
Post by Shaelyn on Jun 4, 2006 23:12:58 GMT -5
indeed. I've been planning a BBQ for the 20th too - kill two birds with one stone...get together with my friends from school again, and get my mind off stuff.
~sigh~ my heart seems to be really confused though, and I don't know what to make of it. if anyone can help me figure this out, I would <3 you. I'm kinda struggling with this "single" concept too, since I haven't really been single in over six years. it's been too long, I forgot what it was like...
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Post by muirrin on Jun 5, 2006 0:56:11 GMT -5
Think of it as some "you" time... that's probably the best way to handle it. If your heart's confused, then it's definitely for the best that you only have yourself to worry about and not another person that you happen to be in a relationship with. Between working, BBQ-ing, catching up with friends, looking for a job and doing some soul- and heart-searching, you won't have time to struggle
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my rant
Jun 5, 2006 14:23:32 GMT -5
Post by Shaelyn on Jun 5, 2006 14:23:32 GMT -5
hope you're right ^^,
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my rant
Jun 10, 2006 14:29:26 GMT -5
Post by Shaelyn on Jun 10, 2006 14:29:26 GMT -5
well, I finally figured out *EXACTLY* why I feel the way I do, about my ex.
it's simple really.
I still love him...but that doesn't mean he's right for me.
...and it really sucks.
I'm not struggling with being single anymore though...it's ok.
but I'm asking...what now?
thank you guys for all your support and input through this, it's muchly appreciated
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my rant
Jun 10, 2006 16:44:08 GMT -5
Post by radaeron on Jun 10, 2006 16:44:08 GMT -5
what now? Life live as you want Ya don't have to answer to as many people in life now.
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